Let Me Love You.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Dear Fuzzybunny,

I never had yet to spout out my dire secrets.but wad i am to write today might even gore the real me. Life before was something fun to look forward to. I had fun with my freinds, got scolded by my parents and talk around with my siblings. Just like an ordinary teenager.

But recently NS has placed me in a new dimension of life. I was forced into doing things i rather not do like becoming a commander cause my parents say its good. Yet i did not complain cos i new it was for greater good. Serving the nation was for a reason, to protect you family and relatives during times of war was wad the people say in there. Protect. Its so distain to me. It that was the reason, does that mean i have to sever all ties with them and only meet them on weekends.

Why do i say so, well my aunt died a day after my bdae, and as the eldest child in the family, its my duty to pay respect to the body before it is parted into another dimension. but i wasnt given that luxury of thought, the people barred me from leaving camp, having a thought that lessons on how to conduct lessons was more important than that. I was born to present, i was born to lead. but after all the sweat and blood i have given for the nation, its still not enough to grant me a chance to pay respect for only, only 3 hours of my NS time.

I did go on the weekend, together with the other burden i had thought thru the week i had, possibly the heaviest week yet. My training thots, My bro's problem thots, my family's thots, all came to haunt me second by second. My whole family came into a commotion on who is to take care of my aunt's baby, the small house became a market with all adults acting like kids shouting around. i tried to calm people down. But i was drown in the loudness of the crowd.

I still don't get it. I always believe god exist and i always know that he is yet to test me. but my mind is not healthy. its sick from the constant brain wrecking thots i had. and i fear for my life, i have seen me doing things that threaten my self. SERIOUSLY. walking across the road with oncoming traffic, playing around the knife like its nothing, pushing my fluish and high feverish body during 8km run. its like my mind wants me to die.

and i cant stop me.

this aint just a story, its a cry for help that i fear what i could do next, live firings and road marches, i fear for my life.

i think i am depressed but i cant tell it...

and on sat night at around midnite, i finnaly thought of my bdae wish.

to lie in peace while listening to my favourite music.

sign off,
Hamza

+ EmO LoVe StUck +
7:29 PM